Five Things That I'm Grateful for Today

1. Taking my kids to CALM - California Living Museum
2. Leftovers we didn't eat
3. My neighbor Carrie
4. My friend Shawn
5. My friend Jeannette
   

Reflection

"The truth is that our finest moments are most likely to occur when we are feeling deeply uncomfortable, unhappy, or unfulfilled. For it is only in such moments, propelled by our discomfort, that we are likely to step out of our ruts and start searching for different ways or truer answers." - M. Scott Peck, psychologist.

I've been reading a lot lately. Doing some research. Getting into contact with some other former Jehovah's Witnesses. When my Mr. Big offered himself to me and I accepted (though nothing has happened yet), I knew that I could no longer call myself a Witness. I'm not sure, but I think I may have stumbled across apostates. I'm cautious, because there is a lot of information out there now and I meet everything with trepidation. And I don't want to be labeled an apostate either.

I miss that I had a blog with years of my history on it. Something my daughter and my son could have gone back and read and learned about their mama. Who I was, what made me tick, and how much I love them. How they'll always be a part of me and me them. They are in my heart forever. I will not love a religion or a God more than them. I don't believe He would want that. I miss very few friends from Phoenix too and I wish I had more friends here. I will in time. It just has to happen slowly. I'm starting over and it's for the better. A different chapter in my life. Sometimes I sit and wonder if I'll ever remarry and I really don't know what the future holds or who I will meet.

At least I still have my written journals they can go through. This is a rambling post and what I really wanted to do was begin my gratitude journal. Write at least five things I'm grateful for today:

1. My car passed emissions
2. Someone gifted me my waxing
3. My son had his haircut today and looks especially dashing!
4. We had food to eat.
5. And a nice warm home to be in.

There. That felt better.

Well, here I am, in California like I said I'd be and I'm feeling happier already. Happier, not quite happy yet. I feel like I continue to let people down though and I need to make sure that I'm living my life for me and my kids. At first, people were supportive and helpful, now I seem to be under attack from all walks of life. There are still some supportive people around, but it's barely a handful. And I don't agree with a lot of people on their views of things. Some of them are extreme and don't mesh with the kind of life I want to live. Plus, it's very difficult to seek my parents out for advice when they're dysfunctional in their own right. I wish I could communicate with them, but I just can't, esp. w/out any judgment. I suppose I've taken on some of their judgment as my own and project it onto other people. I quite possibly will never be able to have a successful relationship in this system of things and just have to deal with it. Esp. considering my priority is my children and not necessarily having a relationship. Though I am learning that that's what most people want and surprisingly, I don't. I want to be left alone, allowed to heal and move on. Heal from what, I'm just not sure yet. It's not as if I was ever in love with my husband, so that's not it. Perhaps it's the abuse I endured from him all this time. And hearing stories of how people put up with abuse much longer than I did doesn't make me feel any better. It just makes me wonder how much more stupid than me (if not as stupid as me) they are. And then there's that: The self-deprecation. I'm trying to end it, but I still can't manage to get downers out of my life that contribute to it. I'm really attempting it and I'm not strong enough right now, but I know I'll get there. I reset the clock every single time I have communication from one really detrimental person and see how long I go w/out any further communication. I'm too busy as it is to be paying this person any mind anyway and it really, it has to stop. I have to dig my heels in and not budge b/c the verbal and emotional abuse was just traded from one asshole to another. And then, there's the really nice, albeit needy one. Good God. I really need to be left alone!

Vida Nueva

I started this new blog because I was stupid enough to ruin the previous one I had had for years. How did I do that you might ask? Well, I overshared, as usual and it was very, very public. Not intentionally of course. I wasn't able to password protect it and my nosy SIL who could care less about my children (as the rest of the Parks family) read it. She read it and she shared it with her weasely husband who then shared it with my loser spouse, his brother.

How do I know these pathetic people could care less about my children? Our family has been in crisis more so now than ever. My spouse, the man I chose to marry and to father my children was not only a poor choice, but a just plain desperate choice. As soon as we married, he ruined my credit, my car insurance dropped me, I had to leave my job because I couldn't handle the stress of him and work, he would look at porn while I was working hard to support us, provide health insurance and basically maintain us. He was (and is) a loser without an education, he has a criminal record, he's a deadbeat who never pays his bills on time, doesn't pay his taxes, is neglectful of our children and abuses the three of us. And what's more, he's too stupid to realize that fighting with me in front of our children is abuse. He only sees abuse as if he were to hit me, which he has and he has hit our daughter as well. When our son had to go to the hospital for a seizure this year, he actually "offered" to stay home w/ our daughter instead despite having plenty of ppl who could have stayed with her. Our son is disabled and he's not involved with any of his therapy. My children love him, but he doesn't love them back. When my daughter fell and hurt her face this past weekend, I took her to the hospital. He didn't even ask where she was nor offer to show up. He cannot behave in public or private and has failed to join the human race since he was born. Firstly I blame his white trash parents for that, but ultimately, it's his fault since he's now an alleged grownup. A pretty sad example of one if you ask me or anyone else in civilized society. He's a neanderthal and I married him.

I leave, finally, for California. Bakersfield to be exact. Not precisely a vacation destination, but it's where I found employment after nearly three years of being unemployed. I'm looking forward to a new start though my divorce is not final. He's cheated on me on more than one occasion and the second time, along with hitting my daughter, was the last straw. We've been separated for a little over 5 months now. About 3 days after our 9 year anniversary. This is it. This is the big push we need to be away from this monster.

In five days time we will be on the road to a new and better life.