Sunday, October 23, 2011

Well, here I am, in California like I said I'd be and I'm feeling happier already. Happier, not quite happy yet. I feel like I continue to let people down though and I need to make sure that I'm living my life for me and my kids. At first, people were supportive and helpful, now I seem to be under attack from all walks of life. There are still some supportive people around, but it's barely a handful. And I don't agree with a lot of people on their views of things. Some of them are extreme and don't mesh with the kind of life I want to live. Plus, it's very difficult to seek my parents out for advice when they're dysfunctional in their own right. I wish I could communicate with them, but I just can't, esp. w/out any judgment. I suppose I've taken on some of their judgment as my own and project it onto other people. I quite possibly will never be able to have a successful relationship in this system of things and just have to deal with it. Esp. considering my priority is my children and not necessarily having a relationship. Though I am learning that that's what most people want and surprisingly, I don't. I want to be left alone, allowed to heal and move on. Heal from what, I'm just not sure yet. It's not as if I was ever in love with my husband, so that's not it. Perhaps it's the abuse I endured from him all this time. And hearing stories of how people put up with abuse much longer than I did doesn't make me feel any better. It just makes me wonder how much more stupid than me (if not as stupid as me) they are. And then there's that: The self-deprecation. I'm trying to end it, but I still can't manage to get downers out of my life that contribute to it. I'm really attempting it and I'm not strong enough right now, but I know I'll get there. I reset the clock every single time I have communication from one really detrimental person and see how long I go w/out any further communication. I'm too busy as it is to be paying this person any mind anyway and it really, it has to stop. I have to dig my heels in and not budge b/c the verbal and emotional abuse was just traded from one asshole to another. And then, there's the really nice, albeit needy one. Good God. I really need to be left alone!