It's been a painful, drawn out process. I was ready to let go, and did, years ago. But then, he happened. My ex-boyfriend, who became my best friend, who vowed to hold my hand throughout this divorce that wasn't as painful as he made it out to be. His was bad. Mine didn't have to be nor was it, because in the end, both my ex-husband and I were very happy that it was over. Probably me a little more than him, because I wanted it to be over way longer than he did.
But, my so-called bff, had very strong opinions that I listened to and that was where I went wrong. At the end of the day, it was my life, my family and he was not going to be a part of any of the fall out. Me and my children were. We have been. I almost lost them because I listened to him. I believed (and still do) that my ex-husband was causing damage to our children by his lack of boundaries with the people he brought around them. Regardless, he was going to do it anyway and I knew that. My "best friend", I'll call him Adam, ridiculed me allowing my children to speak to their father. He ridiculed the method (video-conferencing), because dad was out of State. Exactly where I want him. So I allowed it to influence me and allowed the manipulation to almost cause me to lose my children.
I've woken up. He is no longer in my life and my ex-husband always will be, though less and less each time which makes healing that much easier. Adam would ridicule this post too. He would ridicule most things I did and would call me, "Nuts." Something very painful to hear since mental illness is prevalent in my family (though, fortunately the more serious afflictions have seemed to have passed me over). When I told him that it hurt for him to call me that and why, he just continued to dig at me and made it even more painful calling me "schizophrenic". At one time, he even compared me to "Octo-mom". A woman who had 8 children (at once) and didn't seem to have it all together. Maybe I kept him around out of neediness. I felt it necessary to cling to something "normal." But there is nothing normal about divorce. Each one is different and even if it is the best thing for you and your spouse (we never really should have gotten married), it's solely up to you to tread those waters. Family and friends can be supportive, but when someone becomes judgmental and negative in an already negative situation, it was time for me to let that person go. It may be around a year since we've talked. Maybe in November. I don't remember anymore. I just know that I never want to see or hear from him again. I allowed his influence to cause more damage to my children, for them to almost be yanked out of my home, for law enforcement to treat me like a criminal and for the so-called justice system or family court system, paint me in a very bad light. As if I were the worst parent ever and I know I'm not. I know that I love my children unconditionally and that I work very hard for them and put them first. Something my ex does not. But that's just something I have to deal with and that's what I will talk with in my next entry. I'll talk about letting go of anger and healing. Until then...
