Dating and the Single Mother

I'm an emotional person. Not on the outside, unless it comes to my kids of course. Hard as a rock until they're involved. Then I'm a big old softie. But I'm still prone to getting hurt when it comes to dating so I'm trepidatious. And not because I fall head over heels from the gate, but because I allow myself to be vulnerable and exposed too soon. Before I know it, someone I hardly know, knows too much about me and it makes me so uncomfortable. So I keep a potential suitor in a holding pattern until I'm comfortable. Boy does that weed out the wrong ones. 

Recently, it was 38 year old Martin. Yes, I'm using a pseudonym to protect the guilty. Martin, like me, is a civil service employee. Like me, he is also divorced and a parent. Geeky and apparently sweet and fun at first. Until his dark side emerges. The one where he finds it necessary to expose himself via text. It's the most offensive thing a stranger can do. And you're a stranger if I've only known you for a few days. Unfortunately this digital age has made images like this all too accessible and given the public (who should know better) a false sense of security. What if I were the same freak who'd share said images with a pornographer for a little extra cash? Or an angry, vengeful woman who'd forward them to his department? Fortunately for Martin, I'm neither. But the next girl may not be. So I would advise that men like him be a little less trusting as well. I'd urge women who come across men who find it necessary for them to do something like this to consider the fact that if it were done to them in public, they'd feel assaulted. Because ultimately, they would be being assaulted. 

Dating has never been easy. Not when I was 15, definitely not now that I'm 36. Now, 21 years later, a lot of men are still not worth the energy, plus they have so much less to offer. And now that they should know better, so should we when we permit them in our lives. Eventually they'll be in our children's lives and one cannot be too cautious when it comes to that. Thank goodness my children will never know that mom dated until they're old enough to read this blog.

Will I still date? Maybe. It's not something I'm pursuing. It just sort of happens. Mostly I find it taxing and stressful, especially because "Martin" wasn't my first flasher, and I suspect he won't be the last. Color me a cynic, batman, but maybe I'm just a product of growing up in the 90s.

Hypocrisy

This is one thing I despise so much, it's hard to put it into words, but I'll attempt to. It's so difficult to trust people even when you want to believe that most people are good at heart. I often find this to not be true unfortunately. More so with those that, quite frankly, have no belief system. Definitely with a lot of those whom I work with. 

On my last day at my old job (which I'm back at now), I was honest with someone who I playfully jab at back and forth daily. I should really stop trying to give her the benefit of the doubt because she is definitely someone who cannot be trusted. If she really is a she, that is. And I'm not saying she can't be trusted because she has gender identity issues or, as she puts it, "is gender neutral". I'm saying because either she can't keep her mouth shut and not only over shares about herself, but she over shares about me even if I don't over share with her. Or she really is that evil and just wants to keep throwing me under the bus (and I keep letting her).

As I was leaving on my last day, I gave her the birdie. Told her she was number one. You know, flipped her off. With a smile. She blew me a kiss. Several actually, and laughed heartily right after the supposed visual insult. Because of this, my professionalism (or lack thereof) was brought to my attention today, my first day back. Never mind that every last person I work with curses like a sailor, shares their weekend trysts with me and even called our administrator's alma mater a "blow job university". But I'm the inappropriate one. Hell. I'm definitely the stupid one who thinks that these crazy fools I work with can be trusted. Whether it's intentional or not, they cannot be trusted. Quite obviously!

Alas, I recognize it was my fault for not maintaining professionalism at all times, which from now on, I will. No slip ups, no boundaries to be lax about, NO exceptions. They just can't be trusted. It's funny because they will confide things in you about others and then you think, "Wow. What do you say about me?" Like one wise person who shall remain unnamed once told me, "You can go from hero to zero in a millisecond." I'll keep that in mind next time I want to share just a tidbit of my life. Thank God I didn't today. I was really excited, but decided against it. Some things are just best kept to yourself. Even if they are good news.

Writing Is Happiness

Oftentimes I write when I'm melancholy or something is on my mind that I want to get off my chest. This time, I'm actually feeling pretty good and I want to document that too. I'm happy to be writing again, for one. Mr. Negativity often ridiculed this past time as a waste of time, but again, the truth of the matter for me is that it's my healthy release. Actually, my exact words to him were "I'm sorry your only release is porn, but this is actually a healthy way of working through stress, your feelings, etc." It is. Many experts recommend it. Since he was so fond of quoting professionals. If he ever finds out what was bugging me the day we stopped talking, well, he'll have a negative and judgmental spin on that as well, no doubt. Either way, enough about that. Back to me!

I'm feeling so happy today, despite being home without pay caring for my two favorite infirms. That's why, I'm getting to be a stay-at-home mom, something else I was really good at (working with people being another one). Going back to my old job is another. I know it's nuts (pun intended), but working where I was working was "home" to me because I was in the front lines. I was greeting people, directing them, helping. It's what I shine at. You know, being a social butterfly and all. Flit, flit, flittering about. 

Another thing I'm really excited about has to do with writing on an actual subject matter: Art. I don't want to reveal much yet, because it's still in the works, but in a few months, I may have my first self-published piece on something or someone other than myself. To be able to use my skills for that is exciting! Thank you, high school creative writing teacher for getting me started. I don't think you'll ever know how much your class inspired me.

The Hardest Job

It wasn't exactly a fall from grace. Two weeks ago, I was offered a new position in a new department that essentially was a promotion. I took it. After all, I came into this agency to move up and the opportunity was mine to do so. Like my new supervisor told me, they'd be taking a chance on me. A chance that ended up being a bad idea. For both of us. 

You see, last week, my daughter became sick. It wasn't horrible, but she was definitely not feeling well. So I kept her home. That was Thursday. Also, my first week at this new position. Friday, I was at work. My new supervisor spoke with me candidly. She said she was confident of my abilities, but was worried about me being out on the first week. A legitimate concern. Then came the phone call from my daughter's day care after they picked her up from school. "She is one sick puppy." Said one of the day care providers. "Okay," I responded. I was on my way to pick up a child with a temperature of 102.5 degree Fahrenheit. I picked up my son first (he goes to a different day care for medically fragile children nearby) so as to not expose the kids there and less than a mile away, I picked up my daughter then promptly took her to her pediatrician. They found no strep, no infection, just tonsils a little red around the edges, gave her acetaminophen for fever reduction and sent us on our way with notes to return to school and work on Monday. 

The weekend went fine and without a hitch.I even took her to a movie, out for ice cream (doctor's orders), and then to run an errand before we picked up my son at day care. Sunday, we all relaxed and only went out once to run an errand. She was acting like her ornery little 5 year old self. Everything seemed back to normal. That evening, Sunday, I gave her cough medicine she had been prescribed last year to help her sleep. It didn't help. She was up at one with a horrible cough. It sounded like croup. I managed to get her to sleep until 3 A.M. when she finally woke up with it even worse. I stayed up with her, giving her liquids, Popsicles, more ice cream, you name it. She had it all. She was miserable, lethargic and in pain. There was no way I could send her to school, day care or have anyone else watch her. So what was I to do? I had to make a decision. That decision was to keep my sick little girl home so that I could take her in to her pediatrician once more. 

I was originally going to take my son in to day care until he started exhibiting the same symptoms. My phone calls went like this: Pediatrician for both kids, work, day cares, transportation, schools. I managed to get them in at 10:30 and 11:00. But before I went, I called my new supervisor. She informed me that it wasn't working out and that she was going to do her best to make this a graceful transition back to my old job. My old supervisor, poor thing, did not seem thrilled. Not sure why. She's a sweet, down to Earth woman, but she's also a boss. A position I would dread to be in if I were them. Difficult decisions need to be made daily, and these women handled it well. I'm proud and humbled to be able to work for them. They are truly exemplary. As for me? I'm back to my old position as of Monday and have now "technically failed probation" making me ineligible to promote again. Maybe in another year? In an economic tumultuous time we are in, I'm just grateful I still have a job.

As far as my poor monsters go, it was croup. Ameli got a steroid injection (not fun) and Pablito got a 5-day prednisole prescription to get in front of this illness. Lots of homemade veggie soup, Popsicles, and rest are on the menu for tonight and tomorrow. Then it's back to my old new job on Wednesday, until I start anew at my old job Monday. One thing is for sure, being a parent, it doesn't matter. I'd do it all over again. I'd go work as a cashier if I would have lost my job permanently. I don't care. All that will ever come first for me is my family and I knew this when that first pregnancy test came up positive.They say that the hardest job is that of a parent. 'Tis true. And so is the cliched follow up that it's the most rewarding.

Brave

I took my daughter to see this Disney film yesterday afternoon for a $2 matinee. I thoroughly enjoyed it. The mention of haggis, the Scottish accents, the barbaric men, even the shortbread. It was all very fun for me. Even the magic and bit of mysticism in it. After all, no Disney film would be complete without it. 

I called my ex-husband to let him know how it went for her. There was one bear scene that really scared her and I had to cover her eyes, so now she doesn't want it. Her 5 year old reasoning is that she's "already seen it at the movie theater." I shared this with him but he took it as us trading stories about our weekend. He was going to a bachelor party. I resisted asking him if it was his own. See, he still doesn't get that we are not friends, that I don't need to know about his life and unless he has something to tell me about the children, I really don't want to know. I tweeted yesterday morning that it was so nice to no longer have some people as your problem anymore. Yes, I meant him.

When we were in an accident less than a year ago, he went to the movies, though he knew it was serious. At the end, he told me he didn't care if I died. That's fine, I don't expect him to after he the way he treated me for 10 years, but his children were in the car. And he just went to the movies. Like nothing. I found out while I couldn't get a hold of him in the emergency room. Thinking, as a parent, I'd want to know how everyone was doing. I'd want questions answered. Did anyone lose consciousness? Did anyone need stitches? Xrays? They were fine thank God, but that wouldn't have been my reaction. Take what you want from my post, at the end of the day, it takes a certain amount of bravery to do what I did. And that was to escape my abuser. Thank God we're in different States. Physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually.

Judgment

I've met some pretty judgmental people in my life and they are the ones that make you feel the worst. I've been judged for my choices, for lack of making them, for making the "right" ones or making the "wrong" ones. For making ones with lifetime consequences and for letting them go on for what seems a lifetime. For not having support, for not being strong enough, even for being sick. People seem to be comfortable blaming. They need to put blame on someone or something for anything. "It's your fault your life sucks." "It's your mom's fault for not taking care of herself." Etc., etc., etc.

While all those things may be true, people don't always need to hear it. And by people, I mean me. I have friends, just like me, who make excuses for others in their lives. I see it, but I tread carefully in how I express it. Not because I'm afraid to lose them as a friend, but because I've been on the receiving end of such brutal honesty that I know how damaging and harmful it can be. Beneath this tough exterior is a deeply sensitive woman and I wish no harm to anyone. No, not even my ex-husband, despite everything I let him put me through (see me taking responsibility?). Not that he'll ever see that, but that's not my problem. One of my son's therapists told me that one day I will thank him. Maybe. It's hard to live a life of no regrets, but I'm trying.

Strength

My Sunday mornings and Saturday evenings have become restful and peaceful. Just the way I like my life. Work is a constant stress factor because you can only deal with so many angry, emotionally and mentally ill people for so much. And that's just the staff! Hahaha! Actually, there is only one staff member that's particularly difficult to work with and I haven't figured her all out yet. Doesn't matter because I got a promotion last week and tomorrow morning, I will be handing in my two weeks notice to go work for another County Department. I'm uber excited to work with a team that seems equally as nice as the one I work with now and to see my paycheck just a tad bid bigger. The honest truth is that I'm struggling financially because my deadbeat of an ex-husband doesn't always pay his child support on time and if he does, most of the times it's been in increments. To be "fair", there was that one time he did pay it all at once. But he still complains and is a source of stress for me just the same as well. Thank God he's in another State. He's supposedly coming to visit our children this coming weekend, but I never hang my hat on any statements (promises?) he makes. Details of his trip are still being figured out, but that's on him and part of my living a healthier life is not stressing over someone who will never change.

Which brings me back to my healthier weekends. There are times I feel sad, but they don't last and this weekend was not one of them. I utilized my son's daycare so that my daughter and I could spend quality mother/daughter time together. I often feel she gets put on the back burner because of her brother's exceptional needs, so it's important to me (and for her) to spend special one on one time together. After all, she's my first born, I love her to death and she's my favorite little girl in the whole world. I tell her that everyday and she's now repeating it. She tells me I'm her favorite mom and her favorite dad. Even though I didn't set out to be both, it's still my silver lining. I can do it better alone than with that anchor that was dragging me down. He still tries and doesn't realize it, but slowly, the drag will become less and less as I get stronger and stronger.

Anew

I'm finally at a point where I'm ready to share this with the world again. I was apprehensive at first because I wasn't sure where I was and I was trying to figure myself out again. Not that that will ever end, but I'm becoming a tad more comfortable in my skin once more. I'm becoming more comfortable with who I've become and who I am going to be. I've (or maybe God) have exorcised those that stopped being useful and began being detrimental to my well-being. Just like addicts have to cease all communication with those that encouraged (enabled?) their addiction(s), I've gotten rid of some, let others go without the hope that they will ever return. And if and when they read this, they'll mock me to themselves. But that's a chance I'm willing to take. See, this is my healthy release. Writing. I'm a writer. And those assholes who (asshole, really) laughed at it, will never really get it. He thinks it's a waste of time. But I'm okay with his opinion, because it really has no bearing on me and how it makes me feel. Writing, on the other hand, makes me feel so much better when I'm done. When I've written what was in my heart, when I've dug down deep inside me, however painful it may be and put it on paper (or screen, you get what I mean), I can actually sigh with relief that I put it out there, in the Universe. Not with the hopes of helping someone, though I understand it may, but really, it's all self-centered me. It's my blog, my diary, about me, my life, my struggles, triumphs, goals and dreams. Yes, Mr. Negativity, dreams. Dreams I will never stop having until I've made them a reality and I will have an amazing life, because I am meant to (to loosely quote a beauty guru I love)! Never let anyone bring you down people. They're just not worth it.

Like Attracts Like

I'm a little melancholy today, but still at peace. There is no discord in  my family. At least in my home, with my immediate family. I think back to this past week how their father has done nothing to call them, so I'm going to cease calling him or trying to involve him. He has to make the effort. This is all me now. I knew this from the gate. I can do this. It will be difficult, but I can. And I'll keep doing what I said I'd do. Surround myself with people that will support me. Like attracts like as my esthetician, Becky, likes to say. And it's true. I need positive reinforcement. I'll be better. I'll be successful at whatever I do. And who knows? Maybe Los Angeles is where I'll end up.

Five Things I'm Grateful For Today

1. Mother's Day with my babies
2. My mother
3. My Mother's Day gifts
4. Pancakes
5. Movies

Mother's Day Eve

On the eve of Mother's Day and I can't help but be just a touch melancholy. Two beautiful children to share it with and no one around me to celebrate it with me. No one to commend my hard work, to spoil me, to tell me I'm beautiful and appreciated. I don't even feel that way about myself at the moment. And normally I do. Today, I feel unattractive. Perhaps it has to do with this cold. Perhaps it has to do with the decline in male attention (that I never liked anyway so go figure), but I also won't seek it. I deserve and want more and so do my kids. They have it from me. Someday, I'll give it to myself.

Let It Go, Rebecca, Let It Go

If I were my older sister, that is what I would tell me right now: Let it go. Let go that he doesn't care. Let go that you thought he was your one even when he said the same thing to you. Let it go because he never really was. He was mean, cynical and negative. He was overly critical and judgmental. Things that at the end of the day, I need to determine whether or not they are worth it. And my stupid heart wants them to be, but my smarter head won't let me. It's that constant struggle and I'm 35 years old. I suppose it will never end. I don't believe that I am destined to ride out the rest of my life alone, just not with him. I guess I have to accept it. "Urge surf" it as I've come to learn. Just like an addiction.

He said he was "done two weeks ago" and wished you luck. Translation: I don't give a fuck. I never really did. I was an instrument in your life. Good or bad, but an instrument nonetheless and a secret you will take with you to the grave. When someone reads these words, they'll wonder who he is, but it will remain the secret of my heart. Some people will know. Few. And they will possibly take it to their graves too. Sad, but part of finding happiness means experiencing this so you know when it will be. And I will be. I'll be happy. I just need to be sad first.

Someone That I Used To Know

You hurt me several days ago and I'm still sad. I have to write about it because that's what I do. You called me hopeless, helpless and just plain dumb. You called me stupid. Now, today, you called me filth. At least I think you were referring to me. It doesn't really matter see, because this is the last I'll speak of it. I'm only chronicling so as to not forget. Forget how sad you made me. How over the top you were. How far you went. It was too far and now, it's irreparable. Now, what you said can't be unsaid and I'm not like you. If people have wronged me, sure I'll be mad and hurt and angry and sad, but I won't lash out. That is not who I am. If that's who you are, that's fine. But when it turned against me, (and really, why wouldn't it?) it was too much. More than I deserved, more than I needed. I'm sensitive. I know you don't like that, so perhaps we shouldn't be in each others lives. You'll go back to being someone that I used to know.

O.V.E.R.

It's funny the people the Universe throws at you. Mr. Accidental told me, and I know he meant just for tonight because he's particularly stressed and cranky due to his job, not to call him or text him so as to not wake him. He told me he'd email me tomorrow. I know he will. Yet, our emails have become less personal. I'm tempted to not call or text for a while. I think we both need the break. I appreciated the honesty. Normally, something like that would make me sad. But what's ''normal" anymore?

I think he's served his purpose for now. That's not to say that he won't at a later time. But I think for now, we're done. It's done. It's over. If there's one thing I've learned, it's when it's over.

Hit Me With Your Best Shot

It's not that I'm taunting the Universe. It's that I'm saying, "I can take whatever life has to dish out." I have a philandering husband, a disabled child, a thankless job, a totaled car, a new car payment I don't want nor can really afford, but I keep hitting them out of the ball park. So keep coming at me life, and I'll keep knocking 'em out of the park.

Case in point? My credit score is now up to 612. Soon, I'll be back in the 700s. Now if I can get my weight down to the 100s. See? There are good things with keeping Tony out of my life. I really can't stand him. He's horrible. That's been my slow realization thus far. There is nothing good about this man. Sure, he's paying child support, but barely. We're begging for scraps. And really? It's not necessary. He should be working hard for his kids. But he won't. He won't work more than he has to. I hope he enjoyed the playoffs tonight, 'cuz he sure didn't call his daughter to wish her good luck on her first day of school.

Happy New Year?

I come to 2012, sick, w/ a sicker child and one that is on the outs of loving me. I'm in a city I don't like, in a job that's barely paying the bills, w/out a faith, and still being abused by a pathetic soon-to-be-but-not-soon-enough ex husband. My car has been totaled, I'm realizing that I barely have any true friends and I'm still overweight. I think, more accurately, morbidly obese. I don't recognize myself. What happened to me over the past 10 years? What will happen to me in the next?

I'm optomistic that this time next year, I'll be in a better place, at least w/ a divorce under my belt and hopefully lonely as hell w/ no relationship with a man. Why do I wish that? I need time to focus on a relationship w/ me so that I can focus on a relationship with my children. And I need girlfriends. Real ones. Not ones that serve for gossip and are lazy (you know who you are). I need true friends that will mirror what I don't want to see when I need to see it the most.

I do have inner strength. I must. I must to continue on this path of uphill battles w/ a loser of an ex-husband. After all these years together, the fraud is still a fraud. Incapable of being honest. Had he just told me from the beginning, that he wasn't interested in being a Witness point blank, I wouldn't have wasted so much time and energy on a man not worth my while.

But here I am now, at the beginning of a new year. And it has to get better from here. It just has to.