Someone That I Used To Know

You hurt me several days ago and I'm still sad. I have to write about it because that's what I do. You called me hopeless, helpless and just plain dumb. You called me stupid. Now, today, you called me filth. At least I think you were referring to me. It doesn't really matter see, because this is the last I'll speak of it. I'm only chronicling so as to not forget. Forget how sad you made me. How over the top you were. How far you went. It was too far and now, it's irreparable. Now, what you said can't be unsaid and I'm not like you. If people have wronged me, sure I'll be mad and hurt and angry and sad, but I won't lash out. That is not who I am. If that's who you are, that's fine. But when it turned against me, (and really, why wouldn't it?) it was too much. More than I deserved, more than I needed. I'm sensitive. I know you don't like that, so perhaps we shouldn't be in each others lives. You'll go back to being someone that I used to know.

O.V.E.R.

It's funny the people the Universe throws at you. Mr. Accidental told me, and I know he meant just for tonight because he's particularly stressed and cranky due to his job, not to call him or text him so as to not wake him. He told me he'd email me tomorrow. I know he will. Yet, our emails have become less personal. I'm tempted to not call or text for a while. I think we both need the break. I appreciated the honesty. Normally, something like that would make me sad. But what's ''normal" anymore?

I think he's served his purpose for now. That's not to say that he won't at a later time. But I think for now, we're done. It's done. It's over. If there's one thing I've learned, it's when it's over.

Hit Me With Your Best Shot

It's not that I'm taunting the Universe. It's that I'm saying, "I can take whatever life has to dish out." I have a philandering husband, a disabled child, a thankless job, a totaled car, a new car payment I don't want nor can really afford, but I keep hitting them out of the ball park. So keep coming at me life, and I'll keep knocking 'em out of the park.

Case in point? My credit score is now up to 612. Soon, I'll be back in the 700s. Now if I can get my weight down to the 100s. See? There are good things with keeping Tony out of my life. I really can't stand him. He's horrible. That's been my slow realization thus far. There is nothing good about this man. Sure, he's paying child support, but barely. We're begging for scraps. And really? It's not necessary. He should be working hard for his kids. But he won't. He won't work more than he has to. I hope he enjoyed the playoffs tonight, 'cuz he sure didn't call his daughter to wish her good luck on her first day of school.

Happy New Year?

I come to 2012, sick, w/ a sicker child and one that is on the outs of loving me. I'm in a city I don't like, in a job that's barely paying the bills, w/out a faith, and still being abused by a pathetic soon-to-be-but-not-soon-enough ex husband. My car has been totaled, I'm realizing that I barely have any true friends and I'm still overweight. I think, more accurately, morbidly obese. I don't recognize myself. What happened to me over the past 10 years? What will happen to me in the next?

I'm optomistic that this time next year, I'll be in a better place, at least w/ a divorce under my belt and hopefully lonely as hell w/ no relationship with a man. Why do I wish that? I need time to focus on a relationship w/ me so that I can focus on a relationship with my children. And I need girlfriends. Real ones. Not ones that serve for gossip and are lazy (you know who you are). I need true friends that will mirror what I don't want to see when I need to see it the most.

I do have inner strength. I must. I must to continue on this path of uphill battles w/ a loser of an ex-husband. After all these years together, the fraud is still a fraud. Incapable of being honest. Had he just told me from the beginning, that he wasn't interested in being a Witness point blank, I wouldn't have wasted so much time and energy on a man not worth my while.

But here I am now, at the beginning of a new year. And it has to get better from here. It just has to.

Five Things That I'm Grateful for Today

1. Taking my kids to CALM - California Living Museum
2. Leftovers we didn't eat
3. My neighbor Carrie
4. My friend Shawn
5. My friend Jeannette
   

Reflection

"The truth is that our finest moments are most likely to occur when we are feeling deeply uncomfortable, unhappy, or unfulfilled. For it is only in such moments, propelled by our discomfort, that we are likely to step out of our ruts and start searching for different ways or truer answers." - M. Scott Peck, psychologist.

I've been reading a lot lately. Doing some research. Getting into contact with some other former Jehovah's Witnesses. When my Mr. Big offered himself to me and I accepted (though nothing has happened yet), I knew that I could no longer call myself a Witness. I'm not sure, but I think I may have stumbled across apostates. I'm cautious, because there is a lot of information out there now and I meet everything with trepidation. And I don't want to be labeled an apostate either.

I miss that I had a blog with years of my history on it. Something my daughter and my son could have gone back and read and learned about their mama. Who I was, what made me tick, and how much I love them. How they'll always be a part of me and me them. They are in my heart forever. I will not love a religion or a God more than them. I don't believe He would want that. I miss very few friends from Phoenix too and I wish I had more friends here. I will in time. It just has to happen slowly. I'm starting over and it's for the better. A different chapter in my life. Sometimes I sit and wonder if I'll ever remarry and I really don't know what the future holds or who I will meet.

At least I still have my written journals they can go through. This is a rambling post and what I really wanted to do was begin my gratitude journal. Write at least five things I'm grateful for today:

1. My car passed emissions
2. Someone gifted me my waxing
3. My son had his haircut today and looks especially dashing!
4. We had food to eat.
5. And a nice warm home to be in.

There. That felt better.

Well, here I am, in California like I said I'd be and I'm feeling happier already. Happier, not quite happy yet. I feel like I continue to let people down though and I need to make sure that I'm living my life for me and my kids. At first, people were supportive and helpful, now I seem to be under attack from all walks of life. There are still some supportive people around, but it's barely a handful. And I don't agree with a lot of people on their views of things. Some of them are extreme and don't mesh with the kind of life I want to live. Plus, it's very difficult to seek my parents out for advice when they're dysfunctional in their own right. I wish I could communicate with them, but I just can't, esp. w/out any judgment. I suppose I've taken on some of their judgment as my own and project it onto other people. I quite possibly will never be able to have a successful relationship in this system of things and just have to deal with it. Esp. considering my priority is my children and not necessarily having a relationship. Though I am learning that that's what most people want and surprisingly, I don't. I want to be left alone, allowed to heal and move on. Heal from what, I'm just not sure yet. It's not as if I was ever in love with my husband, so that's not it. Perhaps it's the abuse I endured from him all this time. And hearing stories of how people put up with abuse much longer than I did doesn't make me feel any better. It just makes me wonder how much more stupid than me (if not as stupid as me) they are. And then there's that: The self-deprecation. I'm trying to end it, but I still can't manage to get downers out of my life that contribute to it. I'm really attempting it and I'm not strong enough right now, but I know I'll get there. I reset the clock every single time I have communication from one really detrimental person and see how long I go w/out any further communication. I'm too busy as it is to be paying this person any mind anyway and it really, it has to stop. I have to dig my heels in and not budge b/c the verbal and emotional abuse was just traded from one asshole to another. And then, there's the really nice, albeit needy one. Good God. I really need to be left alone!