Brave

I took my daughter to see this Disney film yesterday afternoon for a $2 matinee. I thoroughly enjoyed it. The mention of haggis, the Scottish accents, the barbaric men, even the shortbread. It was all very fun for me. Even the magic and bit of mysticism in it. After all, no Disney film would be complete without it. 

I called my ex-husband to let him know how it went for her. There was one bear scene that really scared her and I had to cover her eyes, so now she doesn't want it. Her 5 year old reasoning is that she's "already seen it at the movie theater." I shared this with him but he took it as us trading stories about our weekend. He was going to a bachelor party. I resisted asking him if it was his own. See, he still doesn't get that we are not friends, that I don't need to know about his life and unless he has something to tell me about the children, I really don't want to know. I tweeted yesterday morning that it was so nice to no longer have some people as your problem anymore. Yes, I meant him.

When we were in an accident less than a year ago, he went to the movies, though he knew it was serious. At the end, he told me he didn't care if I died. That's fine, I don't expect him to after he the way he treated me for 10 years, but his children were in the car. And he just went to the movies. Like nothing. I found out while I couldn't get a hold of him in the emergency room. Thinking, as a parent, I'd want to know how everyone was doing. I'd want questions answered. Did anyone lose consciousness? Did anyone need stitches? Xrays? They were fine thank God, but that wouldn't have been my reaction. Take what you want from my post, at the end of the day, it takes a certain amount of bravery to do what I did. And that was to escape my abuser. Thank God we're in different States. Physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually.

Judgment

I've met some pretty judgmental people in my life and they are the ones that make you feel the worst. I've been judged for my choices, for lack of making them, for making the "right" ones or making the "wrong" ones. For making ones with lifetime consequences and for letting them go on for what seems a lifetime. For not having support, for not being strong enough, even for being sick. People seem to be comfortable blaming. They need to put blame on someone or something for anything. "It's your fault your life sucks." "It's your mom's fault for not taking care of herself." Etc., etc., etc.

While all those things may be true, people don't always need to hear it. And by people, I mean me. I have friends, just like me, who make excuses for others in their lives. I see it, but I tread carefully in how I express it. Not because I'm afraid to lose them as a friend, but because I've been on the receiving end of such brutal honesty that I know how damaging and harmful it can be. Beneath this tough exterior is a deeply sensitive woman and I wish no harm to anyone. No, not even my ex-husband, despite everything I let him put me through (see me taking responsibility?). Not that he'll ever see that, but that's not my problem. One of my son's therapists told me that one day I will thank him. Maybe. It's hard to live a life of no regrets, but I'm trying.

Strength

My Sunday mornings and Saturday evenings have become restful and peaceful. Just the way I like my life. Work is a constant stress factor because you can only deal with so many angry, emotionally and mentally ill people for so much. And that's just the staff! Hahaha! Actually, there is only one staff member that's particularly difficult to work with and I haven't figured her all out yet. Doesn't matter because I got a promotion last week and tomorrow morning, I will be handing in my two weeks notice to go work for another County Department. I'm uber excited to work with a team that seems equally as nice as the one I work with now and to see my paycheck just a tad bid bigger. The honest truth is that I'm struggling financially because my deadbeat of an ex-husband doesn't always pay his child support on time and if he does, most of the times it's been in increments. To be "fair", there was that one time he did pay it all at once. But he still complains and is a source of stress for me just the same as well. Thank God he's in another State. He's supposedly coming to visit our children this coming weekend, but I never hang my hat on any statements (promises?) he makes. Details of his trip are still being figured out, but that's on him and part of my living a healthier life is not stressing over someone who will never change.

Which brings me back to my healthier weekends. There are times I feel sad, but they don't last and this weekend was not one of them. I utilized my son's daycare so that my daughter and I could spend quality mother/daughter time together. I often feel she gets put on the back burner because of her brother's exceptional needs, so it's important to me (and for her) to spend special one on one time together. After all, she's my first born, I love her to death and she's my favorite little girl in the whole world. I tell her that everyday and she's now repeating it. She tells me I'm her favorite mom and her favorite dad. Even though I didn't set out to be both, it's still my silver lining. I can do it better alone than with that anchor that was dragging me down. He still tries and doesn't realize it, but slowly, the drag will become less and less as I get stronger and stronger.

Anew

I'm finally at a point where I'm ready to share this with the world again. I was apprehensive at first because I wasn't sure where I was and I was trying to figure myself out again. Not that that will ever end, but I'm becoming a tad more comfortable in my skin once more. I'm becoming more comfortable with who I've become and who I am going to be. I've (or maybe God) have exorcised those that stopped being useful and began being detrimental to my well-being. Just like addicts have to cease all communication with those that encouraged (enabled?) their addiction(s), I've gotten rid of some, let others go without the hope that they will ever return. And if and when they read this, they'll mock me to themselves. But that's a chance I'm willing to take. See, this is my healthy release. Writing. I'm a writer. And those assholes who (asshole, really) laughed at it, will never really get it. He thinks it's a waste of time. But I'm okay with his opinion, because it really has no bearing on me and how it makes me feel. Writing, on the other hand, makes me feel so much better when I'm done. When I've written what was in my heart, when I've dug down deep inside me, however painful it may be and put it on paper (or screen, you get what I mean), I can actually sigh with relief that I put it out there, in the Universe. Not with the hopes of helping someone, though I understand it may, but really, it's all self-centered me. It's my blog, my diary, about me, my life, my struggles, triumphs, goals and dreams. Yes, Mr. Negativity, dreams. Dreams I will never stop having until I've made them a reality and I will have an amazing life, because I am meant to (to loosely quote a beauty guru I love)! Never let anyone bring you down people. They're just not worth it.

Like Attracts Like

I'm a little melancholy today, but still at peace. There is no discord in  my family. At least in my home, with my immediate family. I think back to this past week how their father has done nothing to call them, so I'm going to cease calling him or trying to involve him. He has to make the effort. This is all me now. I knew this from the gate. I can do this. It will be difficult, but I can. And I'll keep doing what I said I'd do. Surround myself with people that will support me. Like attracts like as my esthetician, Becky, likes to say. And it's true. I need positive reinforcement. I'll be better. I'll be successful at whatever I do. And who knows? Maybe Los Angeles is where I'll end up.

Five Things I'm Grateful For Today

1. Mother's Day with my babies
2. My mother
3. My Mother's Day gifts
4. Pancakes
5. Movies

Mother's Day Eve

On the eve of Mother's Day and I can't help but be just a touch melancholy. Two beautiful children to share it with and no one around me to celebrate it with me. No one to commend my hard work, to spoil me, to tell me I'm beautiful and appreciated. I don't even feel that way about myself at the moment. And normally I do. Today, I feel unattractive. Perhaps it has to do with this cold. Perhaps it has to do with the decline in male attention (that I never liked anyway so go figure), but I also won't seek it. I deserve and want more and so do my kids. They have it from me. Someday, I'll give it to myself.