Let It Go, Rebecca, Let It Go

If I were my older sister, that is what I would tell me right now: Let it go. Let go that he doesn't care. Let go that you thought he was your one even when he said the same thing to you. Let it go because he never really was. He was mean, cynical and negative. He was overly critical and judgmental. Things that at the end of the day, I need to determine whether or not they are worth it. And my stupid heart wants them to be, but my smarter head won't let me. It's that constant struggle and I'm 35 years old. I suppose it will never end. I don't believe that I am destined to ride out the rest of my life alone, just not with him. I guess I have to accept it. "Urge surf" it as I've come to learn. Just like an addiction.

He said he was "done two weeks ago" and wished you luck. Translation: I don't give a fuck. I never really did. I was an instrument in your life. Good or bad, but an instrument nonetheless and a secret you will take with you to the grave. When someone reads these words, they'll wonder who he is, but it will remain the secret of my heart. Some people will know. Few. And they will possibly take it to their graves too. Sad, but part of finding happiness means experiencing this so you know when it will be. And I will be. I'll be happy. I just need to be sad first.

Someone That I Used To Know

You hurt me several days ago and I'm still sad. I have to write about it because that's what I do. You called me hopeless, helpless and just plain dumb. You called me stupid. Now, today, you called me filth. At least I think you were referring to me. It doesn't really matter see, because this is the last I'll speak of it. I'm only chronicling so as to not forget. Forget how sad you made me. How over the top you were. How far you went. It was too far and now, it's irreparable. Now, what you said can't be unsaid and I'm not like you. If people have wronged me, sure I'll be mad and hurt and angry and sad, but I won't lash out. That is not who I am. If that's who you are, that's fine. But when it turned against me, (and really, why wouldn't it?) it was too much. More than I deserved, more than I needed. I'm sensitive. I know you don't like that, so perhaps we shouldn't be in each others lives. You'll go back to being someone that I used to know.

O.V.E.R.

It's funny the people the Universe throws at you. Mr. Accidental told me, and I know he meant just for tonight because he's particularly stressed and cranky due to his job, not to call him or text him so as to not wake him. He told me he'd email me tomorrow. I know he will. Yet, our emails have become less personal. I'm tempted to not call or text for a while. I think we both need the break. I appreciated the honesty. Normally, something like that would make me sad. But what's ''normal" anymore?

I think he's served his purpose for now. That's not to say that he won't at a later time. But I think for now, we're done. It's done. It's over. If there's one thing I've learned, it's when it's over.

Hit Me With Your Best Shot

It's not that I'm taunting the Universe. It's that I'm saying, "I can take whatever life has to dish out." I have a philandering husband, a disabled child, a thankless job, a totaled car, a new car payment I don't want nor can really afford, but I keep hitting them out of the ball park. So keep coming at me life, and I'll keep knocking 'em out of the park.

Case in point? My credit score is now up to 612. Soon, I'll be back in the 700s. Now if I can get my weight down to the 100s. See? There are good things with keeping Tony out of my life. I really can't stand him. He's horrible. That's been my slow realization thus far. There is nothing good about this man. Sure, he's paying child support, but barely. We're begging for scraps. And really? It's not necessary. He should be working hard for his kids. But he won't. He won't work more than he has to. I hope he enjoyed the playoffs tonight, 'cuz he sure didn't call his daughter to wish her good luck on her first day of school.

Happy New Year?

I come to 2012, sick, w/ a sicker child and one that is on the outs of loving me. I'm in a city I don't like, in a job that's barely paying the bills, w/out a faith, and still being abused by a pathetic soon-to-be-but-not-soon-enough ex husband. My car has been totaled, I'm realizing that I barely have any true friends and I'm still overweight. I think, more accurately, morbidly obese. I don't recognize myself. What happened to me over the past 10 years? What will happen to me in the next?

I'm optomistic that this time next year, I'll be in a better place, at least w/ a divorce under my belt and hopefully lonely as hell w/ no relationship with a man. Why do I wish that? I need time to focus on a relationship w/ me so that I can focus on a relationship with my children. And I need girlfriends. Real ones. Not ones that serve for gossip and are lazy (you know who you are). I need true friends that will mirror what I don't want to see when I need to see it the most.

I do have inner strength. I must. I must to continue on this path of uphill battles w/ a loser of an ex-husband. After all these years together, the fraud is still a fraud. Incapable of being honest. Had he just told me from the beginning, that he wasn't interested in being a Witness point blank, I wouldn't have wasted so much time and energy on a man not worth my while.

But here I am now, at the beginning of a new year. And it has to get better from here. It just has to.

Five Things That I'm Grateful for Today

1. Taking my kids to CALM - California Living Museum
2. Leftovers we didn't eat
3. My neighbor Carrie
4. My friend Shawn
5. My friend Jeannette
   

Reflection

"The truth is that our finest moments are most likely to occur when we are feeling deeply uncomfortable, unhappy, or unfulfilled. For it is only in such moments, propelled by our discomfort, that we are likely to step out of our ruts and start searching for different ways or truer answers." - M. Scott Peck, psychologist.

I've been reading a lot lately. Doing some research. Getting into contact with some other former Jehovah's Witnesses. When my Mr. Big offered himself to me and I accepted (though nothing has happened yet), I knew that I could no longer call myself a Witness. I'm not sure, but I think I may have stumbled across apostates. I'm cautious, because there is a lot of information out there now and I meet everything with trepidation. And I don't want to be labeled an apostate either.

I miss that I had a blog with years of my history on it. Something my daughter and my son could have gone back and read and learned about their mama. Who I was, what made me tick, and how much I love them. How they'll always be a part of me and me them. They are in my heart forever. I will not love a religion or a God more than them. I don't believe He would want that. I miss very few friends from Phoenix too and I wish I had more friends here. I will in time. It just has to happen slowly. I'm starting over and it's for the better. A different chapter in my life. Sometimes I sit and wonder if I'll ever remarry and I really don't know what the future holds or who I will meet.

At least I still have my written journals they can go through. This is a rambling post and what I really wanted to do was begin my gratitude journal. Write at least five things I'm grateful for today:

1. My car passed emissions
2. Someone gifted me my waxing
3. My son had his haircut today and looks especially dashing!
4. We had food to eat.
5. And a nice warm home to be in.

There. That felt better.