Dating in a Post Divorce World

I'm not sure where I stand with dating at the moment. It seemed exhausting for a while, so I just didn't. Then I would talk to certain men and let them in little by little. It's never ended well. Not even under the most positive of circumstances. There has always been an animosity that staled. Whether it was intended or not. I've dealt with cowards, those afraid of confrontation (just another term for cowards), those afraid to grow (cowards again) and it's a wonder how many dysfunctional people are out there, yet somehow still... function. They go to work, pay their taxes, their bills, maintain their vehicles, help children with homework, sports, but can't manage to maintain any healthy adult relationships. It's almost scary. So again... I'm shelving it. Against the advice of a couple relationships "gurus", I'm not interested in putting myself out there again. Maybe out of fear of getting hurt. I really couldn't say at the moment. But I can say, that the last guy? The last guy hurt me deep in my soul and even admitting that publicly, here, is almost cathartic. I don't want to relive the details, but I do want to move on. I want to continue on my personal journey of self improvement. I know that it begins and ends with me. I feel blessed to have the beautiful children in my life that were bestowed upon me. I am blessed to have employment that I am good at and friends and family that, despite my own challenges, still allow me to motivate them. So, for now, once again, I am off the "market". I hate that term. But really, can you guys just leave me alone for a minute? I need to heal.

Letting Go, Part 2

"This is what you have to deal with."

Those were the words Adam used with me when he finally realized what I knew a long time ago. X was never going to change. X, like anyone, would only change if he wanted to. I think X tries, but he falls short. A lot. Removing myself emotionally from it all and dealing with it logically, has helped me navigate these murky post-divorce waters. Don't get me wrong, it still hurts. The pain I see in my children's eyes, or the future I can forecast when they will realize that he found other things more important, the questions that I can only answer with an honesty ("Do you love my dad?") that an 8 year old can understand without breaking her already fragile heart, all these things hurt. Not the betrayal or the abuse. I dealt with that a long time ago and in all honesty, I know those were his problems and not mine. I know that they stem from his issues. I know, with absolute certainty, that when it comes down to him cheating on me and abusing me, that those decisions were on him and they were not my fault. My fault was in staying much longer than I should have. Especially for reasons that no longer matter. What I have to do now is face that "this is what I have to deal with." And that's what I am doing. Accepting that some things may never change and that those too cannot be my problem. I, of course, will be the best parent I can be. Pick up his slack where he has lacked all this time. That was certainly my fault. Allowing that type of person in my life. So I say this to anyone who enters any sort of relationship, be it casual or serious, really sit down and evaluate what kind of people you want around you. Not just for any future children you may or may not have (or already have), but really, for yourself. Surround yourself with those who will nurture your spirit, encourage you to grow, challenge you for the better and bring positive contributions to your life. At this point, that is what I have done and I am happy with my circle. It's dynamic, I will not hesitate to cut someone out that is a poison in my life, but those that sit at the table of my life at this moment have earned a spot there because they were caring, trustworthy and the people I strive to be like. This was all in the power of letting go... and it is mine again. My power, my life.