High Vibrations Only

It's Christmas morning and my 11 year old is asleep. My 9, soon to be 10, year old is up watching the Today Show waiting for me to give him cereal while I have my coffee and blog about my morning. But this isn't just a blog about my morning. This is an entry about how easily I let go of the things not meant for me. Scratch that, not easily, but gracefully. One of my favorite quotes is, "An elegant guest knows when to leave the party." It's from The Big Stone Gap. And as the years have passed, I have only gotten better at it.

I broke up with my boyfriend of almost a year last night. Yes, on Christmas Eve, and I cried and prayed for strength to do it. It was painful and it was hard, but I did it. And I didn't even face him. Not for lack of trying. I tried for a month to talk about how my needs weren't being met. He flaked on me twice. Didn't return phone calls or texts. Violated my boundaries even... so, I called one last time to say, "Thank you. But this isn't working for me." Except, he forwarded my call and it wasn't the first time. So I took a deep breath, went on social media, removed him from everything, deleted all of his messages, pictures and even contact information. I was done and I was ruthless about it. And I was sad and I cried about it. I'm still a little sad, but I'm more happy than sad. I'm relieved and know that I did the right thing. I know that I only made room for higher vibrations, positivity and a better life. I am and will continue to be unapologetic about the energy I keep around me. I hope you do too. I hope you get to that point where you can honor yourself enough to gracefully let things go.

Letting Go, Part 2

"This is what you have to deal with."

Those were the words Adam used with me when he finally realized what I knew a long time ago. X was never going to change. X, like anyone, would only change if he wanted to. I think X tries, but he falls short. A lot. Removing myself emotionally from it all and dealing with it logically, has helped me navigate these murky post-divorce waters. Don't get me wrong, it still hurts. The pain I see in my children's eyes, or the future I can forecast when they will realize that he found other things more important, the questions that I can only answer with an honesty ("Do you love my dad?") that an 8 year old can understand without breaking her already fragile heart, all these things hurt. Not the betrayal or the abuse. I dealt with that a long time ago and in all honesty, I know those were his problems and not mine. I know that they stem from his issues. I know, with absolute certainty, that when it comes down to him cheating on me and abusing me, that those decisions were on him and they were not my fault. My fault was in staying much longer than I should have. Especially for reasons that no longer matter. What I have to do now is face that "this is what I have to deal with." And that's what I am doing. Accepting that some things may never change and that those too cannot be my problem. I, of course, will be the best parent I can be. Pick up his slack where he has lacked all this time. That was certainly my fault. Allowing that type of person in my life. So I say this to anyone who enters any sort of relationship, be it casual or serious, really sit down and evaluate what kind of people you want around you. Not just for any future children you may or may not have (or already have), but really, for yourself. Surround yourself with those who will nurture your spirit, encourage you to grow, challenge you for the better and bring positive contributions to your life. At this point, that is what I have done and I am happy with my circle. It's dynamic, I will not hesitate to cut someone out that is a poison in my life, but those that sit at the table of my life at this moment have earned a spot there because they were caring, trustworthy and the people I strive to be like. This was all in the power of letting go... and it is mine again. My power, my life.