Letting Go, Part 2

"This is what you have to deal with."

Those were the words Adam used with me when he finally realized what I knew a long time ago. X was never going to change. X, like anyone, would only change if he wanted to. I think X tries, but he falls short. A lot. Removing myself emotionally from it all and dealing with it logically, has helped me navigate these murky post-divorce waters. Don't get me wrong, it still hurts. The pain I see in my children's eyes, or the future I can forecast when they will realize that he found other things more important, the questions that I can only answer with an honesty ("Do you love my dad?") that an 8 year old can understand without breaking her already fragile heart, all these things hurt. Not the betrayal or the abuse. I dealt with that a long time ago and in all honesty, I know those were his problems and not mine. I know that they stem from his issues. I know, with absolute certainty, that when it comes down to him cheating on me and abusing me, that those decisions were on him and they were not my fault. My fault was in staying much longer than I should have. Especially for reasons that no longer matter. What I have to do now is face that "this is what I have to deal with." And that's what I am doing. Accepting that some things may never change and that those too cannot be my problem. I, of course, will be the best parent I can be. Pick up his slack where he has lacked all this time. That was certainly my fault. Allowing that type of person in my life. So I say this to anyone who enters any sort of relationship, be it casual or serious, really sit down and evaluate what kind of people you want around you. Not just for any future children you may or may not have (or already have), but really, for yourself. Surround yourself with those who will nurture your spirit, encourage you to grow, challenge you for the better and bring positive contributions to your life. At this point, that is what I have done and I am happy with my circle. It's dynamic, I will not hesitate to cut someone out that is a poison in my life, but those that sit at the table of my life at this moment have earned a spot there because they were caring, trustworthy and the people I strive to be like. This was all in the power of letting go... and it is mine again. My power, my life.

Letting Go, Part 1

It's been a painful, drawn out process. I was ready to let go, and did, years ago. But then, he happened. My ex-boyfriend, who became my best friend, who vowed to hold my hand throughout this divorce that wasn't as painful as he made it out to be. His was bad. Mine didn't have to be nor was it, because in the end, both my ex-husband and I were very happy that it was over. Probably me a little more than him, because I wanted it to be over way longer than he did. 

But, my so-called bff, had very strong opinions that I listened to and that was where I went wrong. At the end of the day, it was my life, my family and he was not going to be a part of any of the fall out. Me and my children were. We have been. I almost lost them because I listened to him. I believed (and still do) that my ex-husband was causing damage to our children by his lack of boundaries with the people he brought around them. Regardless, he was going to do it anyway and I knew that. My "best friend", I'll call him Adam, ridiculed me allowing my children to speak to their father. He ridiculed the method (video-conferencing), because dad was out of State. Exactly where I want him. So I allowed it to influence me and allowed the manipulation to almost cause me to lose my children. 

I've woken up. He is no longer in my life and my ex-husband always will be, though less and less each time which makes healing that much easier. Adam would ridicule this post too. He would ridicule most things I did and would call me, "Nuts." Something very painful to hear since mental illness is prevalent in my family (though, fortunately the more serious afflictions have seemed to have passed me over). When I told him that it hurt for him to call me that and why, he just continued to dig at me and made it even more painful calling me "schizophrenic". At one time, he even compared me to "Octo-mom". A woman who had 8 children (at once) and didn't seem to have it all together. Maybe I kept him around out of neediness. I felt it necessary to cling to something "normal." But there is nothing normal about divorce. Each one is different and even if it is the best thing for you and your spouse (we never really should have gotten married), it's solely up to you to tread those waters. Family and friends can be supportive, but when someone becomes judgmental and negative in an already negative situation, it was time for me to let that person go. It may be around a year since we've talked. Maybe in November. I don't remember anymore. I just know that I never want to see or hear from him again. I allowed his influence to cause more damage to my children, for them to almost be yanked out of my home, for law enforcement to treat me like a criminal and for the so-called justice system or family court system, paint me in a very bad light. As if I were the worst parent ever and I know I'm not. I know that I love my children unconditionally and that I work very hard for them and put them first. Something my ex does not. But that's just something I have to deal with and that's what I will talk with in my next entry. I'll talk about letting go of anger and healing. Until then...

Letter To My Ex

Dear Ex:

It is no secret that I don't like you. In fact, no, I never really did. We did share some funny moments in the 9 years that we were together, unfortunately, the damage that your family caused you definitely spilled over in to our marriage. At this point, however, it no longer matters. I know you feel that you were abused by me, and maybe you were. I know for certain that I was abused by you for many, many years and it did begin, though you don't remember this part, 2 weeks into our 10 year marriage.

I know that our divorce has been full of contention for the past 4 years of being separated. I admitted to my wrong doings and yes, marrying you was one of them. I know that that makes you feel as if I am not taking responsibility, but I am. You are who you are, you are who you always have been and you will continue to be. The fact that I married you, while not really knowing you, staying married to you and then having children with you, whatever my reasons were, no longer matter either.

What does matter is that you are the father of my two children and I hope nothing more for you to be an active part of their lives. No, I don't feel that you are the best father you can be. I feel that you can be so much more. However, it is not up to me to make you that person, it is up to you and solely you.

I feel it necessary to pen this letter for my sake. To make certain things clear. Contrary to what the judge we recently saw stated, not only am I not "extremely jealous" of your new wife, I'm not even a little jealous. It doesn't hurt to see you with someone and as I told you while we were married, if you ever were to find someone, it wouldn't matter to me and it still doesn't. What does still matter is what I also said, "The more people to love my children, the better." Unfortunately, for whatever reasons your new wife may have, I feel that she doesn't love my children. I'm not sure if she is motivated by money, loneliness, or what, but again, that doesn't matter. I do know, that both of you, mainly you, failed, as is your pattern, to be honest with me from the gate. You and I had agreed that our children would not meet your significant other until certain previously made agreements between you and I had been met. These agreements were in place as a protection for our children. That is all this has ever been about. My babies. And you know that I love them more than anything in the world, even if they are half you. They are all them and they are beautiful children. Nothing pains me more than to see them suffer and I know they do. My sole purpose in life is to make them happy, provide for them and make sure that they become successful, self-sufficient, kind adults. It is not to accommodate anyone or anything above that. My children have and always will come first. I know that that is where we disagree. I know that you were raised that children were to be seen and not heard. But you see, dear Ex, I was not. And my children have a voice. I am that voice. I had hoped for their father to be that voice also. That is where I failed. I chose a father for my children that I didn't have to choose.

There are so many "I should haves" and "I shouldn't haves" that no longer matter at this point also. But please know that no matter how damaged you are, no matter how much damage you caused me that yes, again, I permitted you to cause me, I forgive you. Whatever damage you have caused our children, I hope that you salvage before it is too late. But mostly, I want you to know that I understand why you are who you are. I don't agree with it, nor do I feel that it is okay and I apologize for my part in your journey. I apologize that I allowed certain people to influence things that were none of their business. Things that were between me and you. But mostly, I just wanted to say, please, go. Be happy. And let me be happy too.