Letting Go, Part 1

It's been a painful, drawn out process. I was ready to let go, and did, years ago. But then, he happened. My ex-boyfriend, who became my best friend, who vowed to hold my hand throughout this divorce that wasn't as painful as he made it out to be. His was bad. Mine didn't have to be nor was it, because in the end, both my ex-husband and I were very happy that it was over. Probably me a little more than him, because I wanted it to be over way longer than he did. 

But, my so-called bff, had very strong opinions that I listened to and that was where I went wrong. At the end of the day, it was my life, my family and he was not going to be a part of any of the fall out. Me and my children were. We have been. I almost lost them because I listened to him. I believed (and still do) that my ex-husband was causing damage to our children by his lack of boundaries with the people he brought around them. Regardless, he was going to do it anyway and I knew that. My "best friend", I'll call him Adam, ridiculed me allowing my children to speak to their father. He ridiculed the method (video-conferencing), because dad was out of State. Exactly where I want him. So I allowed it to influence me and allowed the manipulation to almost cause me to lose my children. 

I've woken up. He is no longer in my life and my ex-husband always will be, though less and less each time which makes healing that much easier. Adam would ridicule this post too. He would ridicule most things I did and would call me, "Nuts." Something very painful to hear since mental illness is prevalent in my family (though, fortunately the more serious afflictions have seemed to have passed me over). When I told him that it hurt for him to call me that and why, he just continued to dig at me and made it even more painful calling me "schizophrenic". At one time, he even compared me to "Octo-mom". A woman who had 8 children (at once) and didn't seem to have it all together. Maybe I kept him around out of neediness. I felt it necessary to cling to something "normal." But there is nothing normal about divorce. Each one is different and even if it is the best thing for you and your spouse (we never really should have gotten married), it's solely up to you to tread those waters. Family and friends can be supportive, but when someone becomes judgmental and negative in an already negative situation, it was time for me to let that person go. It may be around a year since we've talked. Maybe in November. I don't remember anymore. I just know that I never want to see or hear from him again. I allowed his influence to cause more damage to my children, for them to almost be yanked out of my home, for law enforcement to treat me like a criminal and for the so-called justice system or family court system, paint me in a very bad light. As if I were the worst parent ever and I know I'm not. I know that I love my children unconditionally and that I work very hard for them and put them first. Something my ex does not. But that's just something I have to deal with and that's what I will talk with in my next entry. I'll talk about letting go of anger and healing. Until then...

He Strikes Again

I realized something yesterday, with the help of someone, that I married a weak man. I've been told a lot that I'm a strong woman. I never really saw it that way, but in comparison to him, I guess I am. Mental and emotional strength, in the end, will beat out physical strength. That he is. He is a lot stronger than me physically. At 6'2 and still well over 300 lbs., now taking boxing lessons, he is definitely a lot stronger than me and may be even able to kill me. He can easily overpower me and as was witnessed recently by my cousin and my father (and recorded), his volatile behavior is extremely dangerous. 

He is powerless, but he doesn't realize it. He doesn't see that he can no longer tell me what to do, that he no longer has any bearing on my opinions, my thoughts and that I took my power back. He attempts to insult me, he is abusive with his language, with his screaming, his yelling, his tangents. He is a weak man. Instead of solving the problem, he resorts to abuse. He is not about problem solving. Therefore, I am not about communicating, or attempting to, because it will get me nowhere. 

We were to have a meeting on July 18th with my father there in a public place as I will not be alone with him. Ever. That meeting will not happen now. Not after his most recent attack and it was only over the phone. He had the opportunity, but chose to behave like an animal and he squandered that opportunity.

But when stress strikes, he will not be able to handle it. And stress will strike with my kids. When they don't listen, when my son has a seizure, he will attack. I just hope it won't be my kids. Or his wife's kids. And I can't do anything about it, because the court system says he has to be in their lives. Only, he doesn't want to be. He was comfortable teleconferencing with them, not making any effort in seeing them and then blaming me for his failures. I never stopped him. In fact, each time my son had a seizure, I would let him know. His response? "Keep me up to date." No, "I'll be right there. What hospital is he in? Who is his doctor? May I speak with his doctor?" Nothing. This is not a man who cares about his children. When our daughter was in the hospital with pneumonia and she wanted him to come, he didn't. Always with excuses. That he's working, that he's tired, that it's too far. The sad part is that if we were in the same neighborhood, the same excuses would exist. And no one who matters sees it. 

The only thing I can do right now is enjoy my children and trust that they will be looked after. Not by him or his wife, but by God and His Son and His angels. Yes, I believe in all that and so do my babies. 

But in the meantime, I'm working my ass off to pay for an attorney that I can't afford and hopefully end this once and for all.

Letter To My Ex

Dear Ex:

It is no secret that I don't like you. In fact, no, I never really did. We did share some funny moments in the 9 years that we were together, unfortunately, the damage that your family caused you definitely spilled over in to our marriage. At this point, however, it no longer matters. I know you feel that you were abused by me, and maybe you were. I know for certain that I was abused by you for many, many years and it did begin, though you don't remember this part, 2 weeks into our 10 year marriage.

I know that our divorce has been full of contention for the past 4 years of being separated. I admitted to my wrong doings and yes, marrying you was one of them. I know that that makes you feel as if I am not taking responsibility, but I am. You are who you are, you are who you always have been and you will continue to be. The fact that I married you, while not really knowing you, staying married to you and then having children with you, whatever my reasons were, no longer matter either.

What does matter is that you are the father of my two children and I hope nothing more for you to be an active part of their lives. No, I don't feel that you are the best father you can be. I feel that you can be so much more. However, it is not up to me to make you that person, it is up to you and solely you.

I feel it necessary to pen this letter for my sake. To make certain things clear. Contrary to what the judge we recently saw stated, not only am I not "extremely jealous" of your new wife, I'm not even a little jealous. It doesn't hurt to see you with someone and as I told you while we were married, if you ever were to find someone, it wouldn't matter to me and it still doesn't. What does still matter is what I also said, "The more people to love my children, the better." Unfortunately, for whatever reasons your new wife may have, I feel that she doesn't love my children. I'm not sure if she is motivated by money, loneliness, or what, but again, that doesn't matter. I do know, that both of you, mainly you, failed, as is your pattern, to be honest with me from the gate. You and I had agreed that our children would not meet your significant other until certain previously made agreements between you and I had been met. These agreements were in place as a protection for our children. That is all this has ever been about. My babies. And you know that I love them more than anything in the world, even if they are half you. They are all them and they are beautiful children. Nothing pains me more than to see them suffer and I know they do. My sole purpose in life is to make them happy, provide for them and make sure that they become successful, self-sufficient, kind adults. It is not to accommodate anyone or anything above that. My children have and always will come first. I know that that is where we disagree. I know that you were raised that children were to be seen and not heard. But you see, dear Ex, I was not. And my children have a voice. I am that voice. I had hoped for their father to be that voice also. That is where I failed. I chose a father for my children that I didn't have to choose.

There are so many "I should haves" and "I shouldn't haves" that no longer matter at this point also. But please know that no matter how damaged you are, no matter how much damage you caused me that yes, again, I permitted you to cause me, I forgive you. Whatever damage you have caused our children, I hope that you salvage before it is too late. But mostly, I want you to know that I understand why you are who you are. I don't agree with it, nor do I feel that it is okay and I apologize for my part in your journey. I apologize that I allowed certain people to influence things that were none of their business. Things that were between me and you. But mostly, I just wanted to say, please, go. Be happy. And let me be happy too.