I realized something yesterday, with the help of someone, that I married a weak man. I've been told a lot that I'm a strong woman. I never really saw it that way, but in comparison to him, I guess I am. Mental and emotional strength, in the end, will beat out physical strength. That he is. He is a lot stronger than me physically. At 6'2 and still well over 300 lbs., now taking boxing lessons, he is definitely a lot stronger than me and may be even able to kill me. He can easily overpower me and as was witnessed recently by my cousin and my father (and recorded), his volatile behavior is extremely dangerous.
He is powerless, but he doesn't realize it. He doesn't see that he can no longer tell me what to do, that he no longer has any bearing on my opinions, my thoughts and that I took my power back. He attempts to insult me, he is abusive with his language, with his screaming, his yelling, his tangents. He is a weak man. Instead of solving the problem, he resorts to abuse. He is not about problem solving. Therefore, I am not about communicating, or attempting to, because it will get me nowhere.
We were to have a meeting on July 18th with my father there in a public place as I will not be alone with him. Ever. That meeting will not happen now. Not after his most recent attack and it was only over the phone. He had the opportunity, but chose to behave like an animal and he squandered that opportunity.
But when stress strikes, he will not be able to handle it. And stress will strike with my kids. When they don't listen, when my son has a seizure, he will attack. I just hope it won't be my kids. Or his wife's kids. And I can't do anything about it, because the court system says he has to be in their lives. Only, he doesn't want to be. He was comfortable teleconferencing with them, not making any effort in seeing them and then blaming me for his failures. I never stopped him. In fact, each time my son had a seizure, I would let him know. His response? "Keep me up to date." No, "I'll be right there. What hospital is he in? Who is his doctor? May I speak with his doctor?" Nothing. This is not a man who cares about his children. When our daughter was in the hospital with pneumonia and she wanted him to come, he didn't. Always with excuses. That he's working, that he's tired, that it's too far. The sad part is that if we were in the same neighborhood, the same excuses would exist. And no one who matters sees it.
The only thing I can do right now is enjoy my children and trust that they will be looked after. Not by him or his wife, but by God and His Son and His angels. Yes, I believe in all that and so do my babies.
But in the meantime, I'm working my ass off to pay for an attorney that I can't afford and hopefully end this once and for all.